Tonight I sat down and started watching the news, as a 'FOX News Alert' came scrolling across the screen. The breaking news has become all to common, a woman in a Kansas City suburb had been murdered by her husband just before noon today in her home in front of their two children. The murder weapon had started as a barrage of hurtful words and insults, followed by physical abusive which started to intensify has unemployment and foreclosure took their toll. She become more desperate to escape knowing at some point he may just make good on his promise to kill her.
They had separated 6 months ago, she remained in their house with the kids. She had initiated filing for divorce. She had taken the measures she could. She filed for an order of protection, notified her family, neighbors, friends and the children's school to give them all a heads up. She was vigilant in keeping a constant watch over her children and her safety and in the end, her words would become a self fulfilling prophecy. I fear for my life, he is going to kill me. Both sides of the family were very familiar with the depth of their domestic issues.
Today just after noon, he entered his home armed with a gun and in unspeakable violence shot and killed his estranged wife at point blank range in front of his two children who watched in horror. The older child's voice can be heard on the 911 call, frantically describing what he had seen, crying and begging for help. After an intense manhunt in Olathe, the police found him hiding in his car, and arrested him with no further incident. Not only did this man take his wife's life, he profoundly changed the future for his two children. They are also victims of his rage and abuse. Tonight not only has their mother been taken from them in death, their father will no longer have the daily contact with them. Tonight their fate remains up in the air as family members try to make sense of the tragic turn of events. He is being held on suicide watch tonight and is expected to be formally charged with capital murder in the killing of his estranged wife tomorrow.
I myself was involved in an abusive relationship 11 years ago. It's hard to explain how you find yourself getting involved with someone who would hurt you and your kids. I had never been around an abusive relationship so I didn't know what signs or patterns were to look for. I thought love would and could change abusive patterns of behavior. I was naive in understanding the abusive mind and the need for control and power. I really felt alone and isolated. I was fortunate I had a couple of really good friends who knew the danger I was in and they were willing to step in and literally saved my life. I had no idea of the danger I was in or the sudden turn of events that would protect me from his wrath.
Even after completing an order of protection, I realized how vulnerable I was and how scary my ordeal was becoming. The only option I had was to call the police every time he tried to make contact with me, the detective assigned to me, asked me to document everything I could. I was shocked that this was it... document or call. I felt so overwhelmed and under protected. I never dreamed I would find myself in such an unhealthy and dangerous situation.
I had to ask myself after I was safe and the relationship had dissolved, why would I place myself in a relationship with a man who had a previous record of 'domestic violence'. The truth is, I thought if I loved him enough I could change him. I have since come to learn abuse is a behavioral issued most likely tied to anger. I have also come to the realization you can't not change anyone except yourself.
Women and children are easy targets for abuse. Many are under the impression that domestic violence occurs more in lower income single parent homes. WRONG.... abuse is present in every social circle within our communities.
What is your experience with abuse? Abuse takes many forms... verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual and cultural. What's your abuse IQ? Could you recognize the outward signs? Are you strong enough to leave?
I was so fortunate not only did I have a great friend, I also had Plan B. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard...not all aspects of the relationship are hard or bad. This is what is so confusing. How can a relationship that is so dangerous be so exciting?
My goal is to create a dialog on this topic. What can I do as a woman to help educate other women to the dangers of abuse? Can I share my own story? Create more of an awareness with my experiences? Abuse is real, dangerous and deadly if gone untreated.
Sister's I encourage you to become aware of those sweet women around you who are feeling beaten, discouraged and fearful. There should never been a woman or a child who feels fearful for their lives....
What do you think? Please take a minute to share.If you are aware of great local resources in your area please let me know. I would love to post everything we come up with. Together we can be our Sister's Keeper.
Live with Intensity and Purpose! You can make a profound difference in some one's life today.
With courage,
Carla
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