The Pain of Divorce... 14 years later.....

I had an experience with my youngest son Ethan this week I want to share with you. Tuesday was my oldest son Griffin's 27th birthday and we met at Griffin's favorite Mexican restaurant. After dinner Ethan and I were driving home when our conversation turned to frustration and then to tears... After walking in the house I was trying to gauge my feelings.. was I tired... frustrated... overwhelmed... I was feeling a lot of everything... Griffin in his wisdom stepped into the ensuing conversation and said... Time Out let's get a better handle on this conversation...

During the course of our conversation.. Griffin brought up a few of his feelings about "my" expectations of him at 18 which at best were hard... ok impossible... as I listened to him... I thought about my current situation as a full time student working part time.. and how I feel overwhelmed most days.. with the pressure of getting good grades, keeping current with homework, making sure my financial obligations are met and ect... I never realized how unrealistic and hard I had been on Griffin... I understand now, I understand the sacrifices, time commitment and stresses associated with being an exceptional student... try to hold down a full time job... not impossible just difficult...

While I reflected on my expectations of Ethan I could see where he was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Ethan has a gift for music.. and his intention is to be a music producer... Ethan has been accepted to the prestigious Conservatory for the Recording Arts and Sciences in Phoenix... The cost is staggering... I have thought for months how am I going to do this by myself...

I had a chance meeting with a friend on Tuesday evening prior to our birthday celebration... He has been a great friend and supporter of Ethan... When he stopped by later Tuesday evening.. he told Ethan of the love he has for him. Ethan has always held this friend in high esteem... but the gravity of this love and support for Ethan was overwhelming...Ethan was able to dig deep and shared many thoughts and feelings about his experiences of having divorced parents...

Although the years have passed and the scar has been healing... the pain my sweet son feels is real... 14 years later. It has taken me a long time to forgive and find that good place for me... and even though I have moved on and the relationship between Greg and I is really better... I haven't taken the time to look through Griffin, Cori, Kylie or Ethan's eyes to see the divorce from their perspective.. To understand how they have felt... and are feeling... to feel their pain...It's much different to be a child of divorced parents versus the spouse... children are always in the middle... always wanting a loving relationship with both parents...It's ok as a parent to step back and reevaluate behaviors that don't serve you well. it's more than ok to learn a new way of doing something... it's better to realize what is really important... it's a bonus when you have your children to gently guide you through the mistakes of adulthood. It's a blessing at the end of the day when you see your children hugging each other and saying I LOVE YOU every time they talk to each other. I am the direct reciepnt of all of their love, kisses, hugs, late night conversations, secrets, telephone calls, facebook posts.... I am so blessed to be such a huge part of my childrens lives...

14 years later... we are a strong family unit.. we are learning to communicate for the first time.. we are learning to really support and encourage each other. Griffin made the comment that we all want the same good things for each other.. we need to stop in those moments of frustration, regroup and seek understanding first. There is no ego... just direct and honest communication. After an amazing group hug... I stood in the midst of three of my amazing children and let the tears free fall... Spending daily time with my children has become a treasured way of life. I talked to my children everyday... I am blessed beyond measure.. Most of all we are learning we are divinely connected to many wonderful friends who are cheering us on! We as a family have not only survived... we are flourishing.. each of us is moving through our lives making the most of our opportunities..

Ethan's dream of attending the Conservatory is now within his reach...there are many who have stepped up in offering their support. Ethan is just beginning his journey... but what a send off... there are so many who have been present in his life.. during the big.... and daily moments... you know who you are... Thank you...